I conceived quadruplets--two boys and two girls. I carried quadruplets for 30wks 2days in my womb. I delivered quadruplets. Our quadruplets were given names: Logan Quinn, Landon John, Leila Ruth, AND Ella Faith. One of our quadruplets, Miss Ella, was taken Home to be with the Lord. He holds her now. She watches over us. Our three surviving quadruplets are whom you see, hold, play with, change, feed, and care for. Our three surviving quadruplets are Logan, Landon, and Leila. God has given us the priveledge of raising three of our quadruplets, along with our two older children, Taylor (14) and Ava-Camille (7).
We have six children --three boys, three girls.
Please read on...
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From Center for Loss in Multiple Birth (CLIMB)- www.climb-support.org
How We Deal with Labeling Our Surviving Children
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One of the most problematic things for parents, especially mothers, who have multiple survivors of a multiple birth loss is the issue of how their surviving children are referred to by themselves and others. For many it is very painful or uncomfortable to have their surviving triplets called "twins", or their surviving quads called "triplets" by those who don’t know, and even often by those who do…A huge thanks to Jennifer V. (mother of Owen and his surviving triplet brother and sister) for her e-mail interviews of these moms about how they have related to this over time…and thanks to these moms for sharing them.
HOW DO YOU LABEL YOUR SITUATION?
Your first name? Jen
A few words about your loss: Heartbreaking, mysterious, anger, sad, unfair. So many unanswered questions and very unfortunate.
What term do you use when speaking about your multiples the most? "Three from a set of quads." "Surviving quads." "They are (pointing to them) from a set of quads."
Do you think a universal term would make our situation easier to discuss in public and less taboo? (such as the terms: widow, divorcee, orphan, etc.) YES
Should there be a universal term used by all multiples that have suffered a loss– such as "surviving triplets" ? If yes what do you suggest and how does CLIMB and its members promote its use? Yes, through literature and education.
Should there be a universal term for:
- Parents who've lost a pregnancy? YES
- Parents who've lost an infant? YES
- Parents who've lost a child? YES
How do you explain your situation to the following groups of people:
- Strangers? Depends on the situation and circumstances
- Friends⁄people you'll see again? ALWAYS make a point to acknowledge my daughter who died and the unit of multiples as it is (quads, three from a set of quads, one a quad always a quad, just because one died doesn't reduce them to triplets.)
- Family and extended family? See above, same.
How do you deal with people who insist on going against your wishes with the label you have chosen to call your multiples? I continue to remind them even if they get annoyed or still remain ignorant. In some instances, if they continue to be disrespectful, I will end the relationship (true story, has happened on more than one occasion with those who I thought would learn and knew better).
If your surviving children are old enough:
- How have you explained their situation to them? "Your sister is in heaven." "She was born along with XXX and died in mom's tummy, but she watches over you from heaven."
- How do they respond to outsiders about their special situation? Not quite there yet, but on occasion, I have heard my (s) quads reference themselves as just that, "quads."
Do you sometimes wonder that the more you talk about your loss the more you think about it and maybe it would be easier for all if you just started labeling your multiples as they appear to the outside world? On the rare occasion when I am in "one of those moods" and tired of constant explaining etc. But, I seem to snap out of it rather quickly. I think the only way to get my point across is the have that voice for my daughter.
Do you think these issues exist because you want that original label for your kids and for yourself– because you want so badly what you do not have; OR are these issues strictly because you feel strongly about this form of remembrance; OR both? ONLY and I repeat ONLY because I miss my daughter. I went through a lot with my pregnancy (bad initial prenatal care, changing perinatologists, long hospitalization out-of-state, countless therapies for the babies, death of baby, smaller growing baby, etc.). I simply don't want her forgotten because she is an integral part of her unit. Plus the carryover on the other babies who did live is HUGE when there is "one more baby" in womb taking up space.
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To view the other mothers' interviews visit http://www.climb-support.org/html/article.html?supertwijs&labeling .
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